Sad Or Happy

Was asking myself this question today : Should I Be Sad or Happy?
Why? Well let me narrate a bit more about this week.

Monday am - woke up with a heavy & super blocked nose, instantly I knew I'm down with URTI. Mucus was so thick like glue & yellowish. I sms Debbie, my team leader, that i need to see Dr. Instantly I thought of all my pts. If I were to continue working, surely I will infect them with my bacteria. Especially their immunity is already so low, typically Uncle T, whom contacted pneumonia just by going to hospital for checkup. I know it will cause terrible causes to him & trauma to the family. Anyway, Dr gave me 2 days mc and wrack me with very strong antibiotic.

Tuesday, woke up with a very weak body. Can image what all my pt went through, felt so much for them. Thank God! I know I'm better & tom can go visit them like before. In fact, I miss them all, especially Uncle T

Wednesday 525hrs, woke up due to terrible stomache & gastric pain. Was running through my meds cabinet suddenly the urge just came. Leaving me with no choice but to dash to the washroom & all the food that i ate last nite vomiited out. Not once but total of 3 times, it seem like i am so nearly to vomit my guts out. Franxis woke up in fight to see me in this stage. Then worse of all, all these followed with 5 times of diarrhea. Not loose but really watery stool. Once again i knew i need to be on mc maybe even hospitalise cos i have FOOD POSIONING! I requested Fx to take urgent leave & take me to see Dr. Indeed, i m really having food poisoning. Dr gave me a jab that i normally WILL & SURELY reject in the past but not now cos i think i really want to see my pt fast again. It is super effective that i stopped vomitting that pm but oso super sleepy. I was given 2 days mc. Never mind at least i get to see my pt on friday!

Thursday, basically my recuperating day. Stopped taking coffee since yestersday & told myself that i need to be strong for my pt so i will stop my coffee at least a week. Then i m extra careful with my food intake too.

Friday! Thank God! I feel weak but sure i can at least see 5 pt but if need to think i can push to 6pts.Fx send me to work, hee hee... think must have fighten him this week. Dun tik i ever so sick down with 2 sickness at one go. Well the whole actual story started from this day....

It was not smooth at all today cos got piles of paper work & dozens of pt not review this week worse i have & forgotten to call them least to check if they are all ok. I tell myself its ok so next time i will know what to do. Well at least Debbie & Dr Wynn had helped me with half of my pts. Early am when Debbie passed the report of my pts that was reviewed by her & Dr Wynn, I got to know that Uncle T was deteriorating. Sad i Felt but i know all my pts will come this day. Then around 1pm Auntie T called me to go visit Uncle T as he has difficulties in sawllowing. But in view of all my planned pts, they all need urgent review so i told Auntie T that i can only come by after all the pt & she agreed to it. Finally, I finished my last case at 550pm. Immediately, i went to take a cab to Uncle T home. But i waited & waited no cab available cos all going to jurong to change shift. Sometimes I wonder why every cabs chnage shift at the same time then ppl who need cab - HOW? I can do nothing but pray and after a long long wait i manage to get a cab. When i arrived at Uncle T home, the gates are wide open & there were 3 umbrella been throw anyhow. Immediately, i knew something is wrong.

True indeed, when i got to the house, i saw Uncle T 3 friends & they say that he is upstairs. Feeling a little relief, i went upstair. I went straight to Uncle T room, i saw his peaceful face, thinking he might just doze off, i tried asking Auntie T to talk outside first then came the shocking news.
Uncle T had stopped breathing since 6pm!!!!!!!!!!!

An overwhelming feeling came over me but i control it down, as the principle nurse-in-charge of Uncle T i know i need to be calm for Auntie T & the family. I took the pulse & listen for breath sound but i feel nothing & hear nothing. I knew he was gone. Calmly, I asked if any dr was informed, Uncle T son whom i never met say yes. Then i direct Uncle son & dtr-in-law out to talk to them of the procedure of getting things done. I went back to Auntie T gave her a big tight hug. Auntie T was very grateful & appreciative. Then i made my move. I DID NOT EVEN SHED ASINGLE DROP OF TEAR!!!!!!!

Till now i still did not, i ask myself why? I think i m sad that Uncle T was gone forever but his sweet voice & his wonderful arts will be kept in my heart for the rest of my years & days. I think i m happy too cos i know he outermost got his wish od to die at home with no suffering. He looks peaceful & as according to family they only realise at 6pm cos he did not struggle & just lying on bed with eyes closed.
Still my question is SHOULD I BE SAD OR HAPPY?

I am still at my office, all alone but no fear. Soothing music from FM 92.4 in the air loud but not noisy. Feel very peaceful & i think this is the outermost feelings that what a true nurse can have for all her pallative pts. Rest well Uncle T, you will be missed by me but i thanks you for you have bring me joy & love that you may have & will never know. My best wishes for Auntie T & family. Be strong & face each day like a new challenge in life. May God blessings be upon all living things on earth to find peace & harmony but most importantly the meaning of living then when the day we meet our maker, we can proudly say I HAD A GREAT LIFE!